Dear Self

If you ever find yourself missing pregnancy and a baby, I'm here to remind you and hopefully discourage you to have another baby. It sounds brutal, but I am in a phase right now that I have a toddler and an infant, and I wouldn't want to have another baby.

Pregnancy is hard. I probably only loved the feeling of being pregnant on the first 5-6 weeks, when morning sickness hasn't started yet, when my belly isn't that heavy and that big yet, when symptoms are not that severe. I'm still joyful about the fact that a life is growing in my belly. After that, when morning sickness starts to kick in, when symptoms started showing, then nope, I don't want to put myself in that situation again.

Especially when the baby becomes heavy, the pelvic pain, how difficult it is to always have to pee in the middle of the night because I'm also thirsty all the time, and having to get up with my heavy belly.

The guilt of eating anything I want, and then worrying about the baby being too big, my tummy stretching so hard and losing all these pregnancy weight after.

The difficulty in only being able to sleep on my side, and how difficult it is to change position because my tummy is so heavy. Having to drink all those prenatal vitamins because I have to, even though I don't like it at all, and that one vitamin that never failed to make me vomit an hour after taking i t.

And then the time comes to give birth, I might have been super blessed that I give birth fast, but right after giving birth, I will have to worry if my baby is jaundice. Will my baby learn how to latch properly and drink my milk. The excruciating first two weeks of breastfeeding. Is my baby peeing and pooping well? The paranoia that comes in the first few days - is he still breathing?

While recovering in the hospital, I'm afraid of pooping. I've been so constipated during my pregnancy, I'm afraid to poop because I might still be constipated. Taking care of the baby alone in the hospital room. I have no choice because only I can do it. John has to go out to process the baby's PhilHealth, the bills, if we had to stay longer in the hospital, John will be going back to our house to get new set of clothes, all those times he has to go out, I am left alone with a newborn. It is so difficult if I need to go to the CR. It's so exhausting. The incontinence because my pelvic muscle is not strong enough to hold my pee. The lack of sleep.

When we come back home, now we have to deal with the siblings who might still not be able to fully comprehend on why their mommy is bringing home another baby. The emotions they are feeling, the jealousy, the attention they want from you that you cannot give them because you're busy with the new baby or you're too exhausted to play with them. The guilt you feel as you look at your older child while holding your new baby. The pitiful look on their face as they look at you caring for your newborn. The naughty things they start doing just to get your attention, the screaming, the shouting. And you, starting to get angry, scold the older child, even spank them for being naughty, and then crying by yourself because you felt terrible for doing that to your baby, for not being patient enough, for not understanding his struggles and his pain, too. For getting pregnant too soon I did not love him (alone) long enough. For missing our time together.

Absorbing all these while recovering from birth, exhausted from taking care of a new baby, the lack of sleep, the guilt of leaving work for a long time, from missing so much from work you're afraid you might not be able to catch up, and then feeling guilty for being fat and squishy, for not losing all those pregnancy weight fast enough, for not getting back into shape fast enough.

And slowly, losing yourself bit by bit, you can't even go out as you please because you feel bad leaving your children at home with your mother-in-law while you go out. Because how dare I be here outside, enjoying the new environment, being happy, while my mother-in-law is left with the kids? How dare I go out and enjoy myself without the kids, while my kids are probably being a headache to their grandma? If only there's no pandemic, I'd bring my kids with me wherever I go, but no, we can't risk bringing them in the mall during pandemic. I'm tired, I can't be myself, and I feel so guilty. I feel trapped.

So please, if you ever find yourself missing having a new baby, read this again.

I'm in no position to complain, honestly, I am getting all the help I need, my husband is very hands-on, he does things without needing me to tell him what to do, what to buy. My mother-in-law helps a lot in the house as well and we also have a helper. But it doesn't mean that I can't miss my old self. So while I'm grateful, I'm just here to remind myself that two (kids) is enough.

It will get better as time goes by, for sure. But I don't want to put my self, and my kids in the same situation ever again.