To sum up my feelings this year 2023.
I'm 32 this year, which means it's been more than a decade since I graduated college. Most of my batchmates / classmates in CSIT are all financially established right now. People have gotten married (with their gorgeous weddings) or are getting married, have kids (some might be in a well-established school), owns a house, car(s), and, I assume, a good amount of savings and investments, too.
I wasn't the type of person who liked to show off, I grew up in a lower-bracket middle income family. What we had was enough to get by, my parents had to take out loans to be able to pay for my tuition. My dad would take on jobs even though the payment was not satisfactory as long as he can put food on our table. We didn't have much, so naturally there wasn't much to show either.
When I started working, I persevered, I saved a lot, worked part-time and double jobs and read on books about financial education. I'm proud to say that we are well-off ourselves. Still, my husband and I are not the type to show off (or at least that's what I think). If there's anyone who reads this, let me know if you think otherwise. 😂
I'm easily influenced
But at some point in my life (probably like the past year up until a month ago), I wanted to show off. 😅 That's really shallow! I know! But I don't know why I was craving for it. I wanted to upgrade my lifestyle and show off (in social media) how well I'm doing in life. Probably because I was following certain vloggers on Youtube that influenced me, and I also see some of my friends/classmates posting on social media that they are well-off - showing off their businesses, their jewelries, branded stuff, and travels, and it made me think "Maybe I should do it, too!"
I really tried, but I think I'm just not cut out for it. I once bought an expensive shampoo. It was on sale on Shopee, lol! It costs Php 400+ for a 400ml shampoo, it would've been Php800+ if not for the sale. And guess what, even that expensive shampoo caused me dandruff and made my head/scalp really itchy. Not everything that's expensive is good for us! Pang-Head&Shoulders lang jud ko.
And then recently, I just feel like it's not my cup of tea anymore. And probably it never was, I was just easily influenced.
Unfollowing
After I unfollowed said vlogger, a lot of my mindset has changed. To be honest, I like her vlogs, and until now, I couldn't find similar vlogs like hers. I'd say we have the same mindset in almost anything, I agree in a lot of things she says, which is why I liked her / followed her on Youtube. However, there were some events that made me decide to unfollow the vlogger. And now, I'm no longer influenced to buy expensive stuff.
I'm also contemplating unfollowing some of my friends on Facebook, and some influencers on Instagram. I'm happy to see everyone succeed in life, but I feel like it's also putting something in my head, and I don't want to end up becoming someone I am not.
To post or not to post
I also can't post much on Facebook - I don't want people to borrow money from us. 😅 Someone just recently borrowed from us and it's causing me unnecessary stress when I feel like we're being lied to just so she couldn't pay on time. I also can't post much about my kids - I see posts about how AI can copy our kids' looks and voices, and in general, the danger of exposing your kids to the internet. This principle has always been a push / pull whether I would like to post them on social media or not. I will also ask my husband if I want to post a certain video and if it's okay to post it.
I even got to a point that I'm contemplating deleting my Facebook account since I can't post much about what I have, I can't post about my kids, and my life is a boring one that just works in front of the computer, or just eating / sleeping or going on dates with my husband or going out with the kids. There's nothing much going on for me right now. Walang ganap! But I also don't want to fully disconnect with some of my friends on Facebook, I do watch what my friends post, I feel for them and celebrate internally for their successes.
I still like to post from time to time, but I'm thinking I might just post it in a platform where I have very little following, since I know very few people will look at it. Which is also why I post more on my Instagram account than on Facebook. I might also delete my Twitter account, it's becoming a bit toxic now and a lot of my followers don't really know me and only followed me when I did a bunch of free BCH giveaway to market a feature in our app.
As of this moment, I just want things to be simple, I'm no longer craving to buy something expensive for myself to show off. But I would be willing to spend for my family. I wouldn't hesitate to go to expensive restaurants if I'm with my husband, or when I'm with my kids. I'd spend for whatever they need (especially if we can afford it).
Why can't we be like my friends?
Of course, I told my husband about this feeling, that I envy some of my friends because of this or that. I also want to dress up, and not just wear mommy clothes (tshirt, pants, slippers), I also want time to be able to put myself together whenever we go out, and not just opt for house attire because we'll probably just spend a few minutes / hours and we'll go back home, I also want to go out and not think about getting back home in this particular time. I'm getting really big but I don't have time to workout, this is making me insecure. I feel guilty because I'm very selfish. He said he feels the same way, too. And he assures me that we are feeling this way because we are just where we are suppose to be right now, we are parents of young kids, a lot of things we used to do or want to do, we couldn't, and it's alright. This, too, will pass.
And I know that we are very lucky than most parents, we can still go out from time to time for our little dates and work out at the gym because there will be people who'll take care of our kids for us (they are paid, of course, and we pay generously to our house helpers). We can still buy whatever we want, but we just gotta think over and over again if it's safe for kids, or if the kids won't end up destroying it in a few hours. Travelling is still difficult for us, it's difficult enough to keep the peace in our car when we have to go somewhere, how much more if we travel.
As parents
In the end, the peace we are enjoying now, is still the best. Being a parent makes you feel a lot of contradicting feelings / thoughts. You want the kids to grow up so you can do those things you like, but you also don't want your kids to grow up so fast you'll miss your messy home and small clothes / slippers and all the toys scattered around. I remember I asked my husband, will our kids visit us when they have their own families to take care of? A time will come that our house will become too silent, and it's just me and my husband - waiting for our kids to remember and visit us when we're old. My youngest is still 2 years old, and I'm now thinking about that. You want your own time, but also feels guilty leaving the kids behind. You want to wear something nice, but your youngest likes to pull your shirt down if he wants to be carried, your oldest likes to run around, so you have to be mindful on what you wear - but, also, how come other moms are able to wear something really nice, but not me? Maybe, just maybe, this is what makes us parents. Getting old is a privilege not given to everyone. Let's be proud of our gray hairs, wrinkles, and dentures.
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